I used to think codependency meant loving someone too much. That if I could just stop people pleasing, stop rescuing, stop overthinking every text message, I’d finally be free.

But through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), I’ve come to see something very different:

Codependency isn’t who you are. It’s a strategy. It’s a protective part of you that learned, often very early in life, that your safety depended on someone else’s emotional state.

Last week, a woman I spoke with described seeing her partner go quiet after a stressful day. Within minutes, she was apologizing for things she hadn’t done, offering to cancel her own plans, and drafting a long text to make sure he wasn’t upset with her. In IFS, that reaction wasn’t “being too much”, it was a protector rushing in to prevent the old pain of disconnection. Instead of shaming herself, she could pause and ask that anxious part, “What are you afraid will happen if I don’t fix this?”

The Birth of the Codependent Part

Imagine being a child in a home where love felt unpredictable. Maybe a parent was emotionally unavailable. Maybe they struggled with addiction, mental illness, or explosive anger. Maybe you learned that being “good” kept the peace. Maybe your needs were ignored unless someone else needed you first. Children can’t leave these environments. Instead, they adapt.

A part of you begins scanning constantly:

• Is everyone okay?

• Did I do something wrong?

• How can I fix this?

• What version of myself do I need to be so I won’t be abandoned?

That part becomes incredibly skilled. It notices tiny shifts in mood. It anticipates conflict. It sacrifices its own needs. It keeps relationships alive at all costs. From the outside, it looks like “kindness.” On the inside, it’s survival.

The Hidden Job of the Codependent Part

In IFS, we don’t ask:

“How do I get rid of this part?”

We ask:

“What is this part trying to protect?”

That’s a radically different question, because underneath almost every codependent behaviour is another part carrying unbearable pain.

The part that believes:

“I am only lovable if I’m useful.”

“If they leave, I won’t survive.”

“My needs are too much.”

“I’m responsible for everyone’s happiness.”

These are often exiled parts: young, vulnerable parts that were never allowed to simply exist. The codependent protector works tirelessly to make sure those exiles never experience rejection again.

Why Logic Doesn’t Fix It

This is why advice like:

“Just set boundaries.”

“Just leave.”

“Just love yourself.”

Often falls flat. Your nervous system isn’t responding to your current partner. It’s responding to memories your body still carries. Your protector isn’t choosing dysfunction. It’s preventing what it believes would be emotional annihilation. & it’s done an incredible job. It got you here.

When Love Feels Like Anxiety

One of the biggest signs that a protective part is running the relationship is this: Peace feels unfamiliar. Chaos feels like chemistry.

You mistake emotional intensity for intimacy because your system learned that unpredictability equals connection.

So when someone is emotionally available…

You wait for the other shoe to drop. When someone texts back consistently… You wonder if they’re losing interest. When someone gives you space…your protector hears abandonment.

Not because you’re irrational. Because another part remembers.

Meeting the Part Instead of Fighting It

The next time you notice yourself:

• obsessing over someone’s opinion of you,

• feeling responsible for fixing another person’s emotions,

• abandoning your own needs to avoid conflict,

• panicking over distance in a relationship,

Pause before judging yourself.

Ask gently:

“What part of me is here right now?”

Then ask:

“What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t work so hard?”

You might be surprised by the answer.

Often, the protector doesn’t say:

“They’ll be upset.”

It says:

“I’ll be alone.”

“I’ll be abandoned.”

“I’ll disappear.”

Those are very different fears. And they deserve compassion, not criticism.

The Goal Isn’t to Eliminate the Protector

IFS teaches that every part has positive intentions. Even the parts exhausting us. The goal isn’t to fire the codependent protector. It’s to help it realize that it no longer has to carry the entire burden. That your adult Self can now comfort the younger parts it has spent years protecting. The protector doesn’t need to disappear.

It simply gets to rest.

A Different Definition of Love

Maybe love isn’t measured by how much of yourself you’re willing to sacrifice. Maybe love is measured by how fully you can remain yourself while deeply caring for another person. Maybe boundaries aren’t walls. They’re bridges that allow two whole people to meet.

And maybe the most healing relationship you’ll ever build isn’t the one where someone finally chooses you.

It’s the one where, for the first time, every part of you feels chosen by you.

—

Reflections:

What if the behaviors you’ve spent years trying to “fix” are actually protective parts that have been working overtime to keep you safe?

Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?”

Try asking,

“What happened to me—and which part of me has been carrying that story ever since?”

There is a sacred fire in every soul that burns for truth, love, and freedom. Yet when we find ourselves in the grip of abuse from those who claim to love us, that fire is often buried under layers of shame, self-blame, and spiritual confusion. One of the cruelest tactics abusers use to sustain control is not just manipulation or cruelty, it is misdirection. They want you to keep focusing on why they treat you how they treat you, because why is a question of pain and so long as you are in pain, you will be stuck in a maze of self-inquiry that never ends. Because it’s never about why you’re being abused, it’s about the fact that you should not be abused at all.

The Trap of Spiritualized Self-Blame

Many sensitive, empathic souls—especially those on a spiritual path—fall into this trap. You’ve been taught to take responsibility for your energy, your reactions, your growth. You seek lessons in every experience, meaning in every moment.

So when someone harms you, your first instinct is to turn inward- What is this reflecting in me? Am I attracting this because of unresolved wounds? What is the spiritual contract here?

While self-reflection is sacred, it becomes toxic when it shields others from accountability. Abuse is never your fault, even if you carry wounds. Even if you stayed. Even if you spoke or reacted sharply. Even if you “saw it coming.” The abuser’s actions are theirs. They are not your spiritual assignment to fix. You do not need to be more forgiving, more understanding, or more healed to deserve peace.

Abuse Is Not a Divine Lesson, It’s a Violation

There is a dangerous spiritual narrative that says everything painful is here to teach us something. While there can be wisdom born from suffering, we must never confuse the two.

Abuse is not a divine lesson, it is a violation of your being.

Healing may emerge from it, yes. You may rise stronger, clearer, wiser. But the lesson is not, ever, that you must endure harm in order to evolve. The true lesson is that you are inherently worthy of safe, kind, and respectful love.

The moment you begin analyzing why you’re being mistreated instead of just knowing you should not be, the abuser wins. Because your gaze turns inward, and their hands go unseen. So, what if the most radical act of healing is not figuring out why someone hurt you, but declaring that it never should have happened? What if your breakthrough comes not from fixing yourself, but from saying “This was never about me.” You are a child of the sacred. And you were never meant to explain, rationalize, or spiritually bypass your way through abuse.

Let that be your new prayer:

I do not need to fix myself to be free. I do not need to understand the darkness to choose the light. I do not need to earn what I was born worthy of. I was never meant to be abused. And I choose to now return to myself.

If you are ready to start your trauma bond break, look no further.

In healthy relationships, decisions are co-created and openly discussed. There’s room for dialogue, preference, and trust. But in narcissistic relationships, even the simplest choices, what to eat, where to go, when or how to speak, can feel like walking a tightrope. You second-guess yourself constantly. You hesitate before sharing your truth. You wonder, “What answer will keep the peace today?”

And somewhere along the way, you stop trusting yourself altogether. This is no accident. This is decision paralysis, and for narcissistic partners, it’s a control tool. Narcissistic abuse goes beyond emotional pain. It is an energetic violation, a severing of intuition, spirit, and sacred self. Narcissists manipulate and control by distorting your reality, silencing your inner truth, and making you feel unsafe to be who you truly are.

They don’t just break boundaries; they erode them. Over time, your soul learns that being visible is dangerous, expressing yourself invites punishment, and trusting your instincts leads to chaos. So your spirit retreats. You freeze.

What is decision paralysis in narcissistic dynamics?

It’s not just about struggling to make decisions. It’s about being put in a position where you’re conditioned to believe every choice you make will be wrong, judged, or punished.

Narcissists often create this dynamic by:

• Changing their expectations constantly

• Punishing you for past choices, even small ones

• Withholding approval or affection unless you guess “right”

• Blaming you for outcomes they influenced or manipulated

• Making you responsible for their reactions

Over time, you become frozen.

You start asking them what they want before even knowing what you want. You overanalyze words, tones, and micro-expressions. You lose trust in your own intuition and Self.

Why do narcissists do this?

Because when you’re unsure, you’re easier to control. When you don’t trust yourself, you lean on them. And when your nervous system is constantly in a state of hyper-vigilance, you’re less likely to rebel, leave, or set boundaries.

Inducing decision paralysis allows them to maintain power without overt control, keep you preoccupied with self-doubt, create a dynamic where they are the “expert” on your reality, and above all, avoid accountability by making you feel responsible for their life as well as yours.

It’s a subtle but powerful form of emotional abuse.

Why Decision Paralysis Happens After Abuse

1. You’ve Been Spiritually Gaslit

Narcissists don’t just question your memory—they challenge your sense of self. Over time, you lose faith in your intuition. You begin to wonder if your soul is wrong. That’s not just confusing; it’s spiritually disorienting.

2. You’ve Been Conditioned to Self-Abandon

To stay safe, you learned to suppress your needs, your instincts, your truth. This creates an inner void—so when the time comes to make decisions, you no longer know what you want, because you haven’t been allowed to ask.

3. The Inner Child Is Afraid

At the core of freeze is often a wounded inner child who learned that speaking up led to punishment. This part of you still believes it’s dangerous to be seen or make a mistake.

4. Your Nervous System Is Still in Survival

Even after the relationship ends, your body may still be bracing for impact. It needs time to re-learn what safety feels like.

How decision paralysis it shows up in daily life:

• You apologize before you even speak.

• You can’t choose what to eat or wear without stress.

• You ask permission for basic needs.

• You freeze when asked for your opinion.

• You obsess over how to phrase a text.

• You stop making plans unless they’re “approved.”

• You don’t know what you actually want.

This isn’t about indecisiveness.

This is about conditioning.

This is about survival.

Healing from decision paralysis

Healing starts with permission—to get it wrong, to have preferences, to choose you. It means:

• Rebuilding trust with your intuition

• Making small, low-stakes decisions without external input

• Noticing when fear of disapproval is guiding your choices

• Reminding yourself: You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to choose.

Sometimes healing looks as simple standing in front of a menu and saying, “I want this,” without shame.

Sometimes it looks like not texting to check in first.

Sometimes it looks like letting someone be disappointed, and knowing that doesn’t mean you’re bad.

You were never indecisive, you were just trained to be afraid of your own voice.

But your voice is still there.

And it remembers.

It remembers who you were before you were taught to doubt yourself.

It remembers how to lead.

It remembers how to choose.

And as you keep choosing you, the paralysis will begin to loosen.

One decision at a time.

Journal Prompt:

What would I say to the part of me that is afraid to move? Can I offer that part compassion instead of pressure? Write a love letter to your freeze response.

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Further reading:

Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad

It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People by Dr Ramani

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There is a question I came across in a session that had left me pondering it for quite some time, bc it is the antidote to being vulnerable to narcissistic love-bombing. The question is simple:

“What am I starving in, that if someone showed up and gave it to me, I’d be vulnerable to them and their energy?”

Though simple, it is not an easy question.

It asks us to look at our unmet needs, our unresolved wounds, the places we feel invisible, too much, or not enough.

Because you see, those are the very places narcissistic people find.

Margaret Atwood once wrote, “The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you will be free.”

Ah, yes. The desire to be loved. One of our most primitive needs. But when we didn’t get that primitive need met through our early caregivers, we are open to being loved-bombed and manipulated because we are energetic magnets for their depleted energy field.

From early on, we’re conditioned to seek love and validation. This pursuit often becomes a central theme in our lives, influencing our choices and behaviours. Is the need to be loved a genuine necessity, or is it a construct that binds us and makes us vulnerable?

Ask Yourself: Where Am I Starving?

Love bombing works best on the hungry. That doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. But healing begins when you turn inward and ask:

• Where in my life am I still waiting for someone else to rescue me?

• What unmet need am I hoping someone else will finally fulfill?

• What part of me feels unworthy of steady, grounded love?

When you know what you’re starving for, you become less likely to accept crumbs dressed up as cake.

Just remember …

You don’t have to become hardened. You don’t have to stop hoping for love. But you do have to become suspicious of intensity that arrives too soon and love that demands your loyalty before it earns your trust.

Start by offering yourself what you’re most tempted to seek from others:

• Emotional safety

• Gentle attention

• Validation for your pain

• Celebration of your growth

When you meet your own needs with compassion, love bombing loses its grip. Because what once felt like salvation now feels… excessive, performative, unsafe.

Margaret Atwood wasn’t wrong. The desire to be loved is the last illusion, when that desire comes from emptiness. But when it comes from fullness? It becomes a compass, not a trap.

Let your longing reveal what still needs tending.

Let your ache point you home.

Let your love start with you, so that when someone finally shows up, they’re not filling a void… They’re meeting a soul already whole.

Few dynamics are as insidious in narcissistic relationships as the Drama Triangle, first outlined by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman in the 1960s. At its core, the triangle describes three roles people habitually slip into during conflict: Victim, Rescuer, & Persecutor. While these archetypes exist in all relationships, type B personalities such as narcissists & borderlines are masters at pulling partners into the cycle, keeping them off-balance, doubting themselves. The roles of Persecutor, Rescuer, & Victim appear consistently in drama-dominated, relationships & keep those relationships from maturing & functioning in a healthy, happy, relaxed way. The borderline, narcissist, & Caretaker typically get locked into these three rigid & self-rewarding/self-punishing roles as their only choices.

The Three Corners of the Triangle

1. Persecutor

Criticizes, blames, or punishes. Believes, “You’re wrong, & it’s your fault.” This role includes blaming, criticizing, anger, rigid demands, rules, & expectations, all aimed at the victim.

2. Victim

Feels powerless, overwhelmed, or helpless. Believes, “Nothing I do helps.” The victim carries the stance of “Poor me.” The person in this role feels hopeless, powerless, overwhelmed, & helpless. The victim refuses to make decisions, take action, or solve problems and remains clueless to what is happening & how to fix it. Thus, the victim never has to take responsibility for anything.

3. Rescuer

Rushes in to fix, solve, or save—often at the expense of their own needs. Believes, “I have to help, or they’ll suffer.” The rescuer has the job to “help,” whether he or she actually wants to or not. It is a demand, fuelled by external & internal guilt, that almost “forces” you to take care of protecting anyone who acts like a victim. . This role works to keep the victim dependent while also giving him or her an excuse to fail.

The persecutor & rescuer play out the agreement: “You can’t get along without me.”

The victim & rescuer play out the agreement: “We have a special connection.”

The persecutor & victim are playing out the agreement: “If you become what I want, I will love you.”

Switching Roles

In a balanced relationship, we move in and out of these roles occasionally, but in type B relationships, the deep issue lies in that when someone is fed up with their role, they only have the other two to choose to switch to, unless they do deep healing work.

For example, when the Rescuer role gets fed up with always solving problems & taking care of the borderline or narcissist, they have only two choices, depending on what feelings are dominant. If they are feeling unappreciated & taken advantage of & want to stop being responsible for everything, then they move from being the rescuer & become the victim. Or, if you they resentful, frustrated & angry & want someone to blame or someone else to change, then the persecutor role becomes their choice.

Likewise, the victim has only two other choices as well. The person in the victim role can become so angry & frustrated with feeling powerless that they can move into blaming, bullying, demanding, & taking on a persecutor role. Most people who are used to the victim role don’t have enough energy to maintain being a persecutor for very long. They most often revert to a kind of passive-aggressive version of victim/persecutor by being very unmanageable & stubborn.

The Cost of Living in the Triangle

• Chronic self-doubt. You lose sight of your own reality.

• Emotional exhaustion. Constantly oscillating between roles burns you out.

• Stalled growth. You stay stuck reacting, instead of choosing.

• Deepening enmeshment. The type B tightens control as you lean in harder.

Stepping Out: Toward the Empowerment Square

Karpman later expanded his model into the Empowerment Square, with healthier roles that break the cycle:

• Shift from Victim to Creator. Acknowledge your feelings, then ask, “what can I choose here?”

• Shift from Rescuer to Coach. Offer empathy & encouragement but resist doing someone’s inner work for them, ask, “how can I support someone without the need to fix anything?”

• Shift from Prosecutor to Challenger. Speak your truth freely, without aggression or hostility, then ask, “How can I hold myself accountable?”

Visually, it looks like so:

By consciously adopting these empowered roles, you reclaim agency:

1. Notice the trigger. When you feel useless, overly responsible, or attacked, pause.

2. Name the drama. “I see I’m slipping into Victim/Rescuer/Persecutor.”

3. Choose the antidote. Shift to Creator, Coach, or Challenger action.

Your Path to Liberation

Narcissistic relationships thrive on confusion and codependency. Learning Karpman’s Drama Triangle gives you the vocabulary to identify the trap. Embracing the Empowerment Square gives you the tools to step into your power.

Every time you choose differently, every time you refuse to play the game, you chip away at the narcissist’s control. You remind your soul what authentic relationship looks like: mutual respect, clear boundaries, & shared responsibility.

You deserve a partnership where decisions are co-created, conflicts lead to growth, & your voice is honoured. The Drama Triangle might have shaped your past, but the Empowerment Square can guide your future, one conscious breath & choice at a time.

Journal Prompts for Healing from the Drama Triangle

Victim Role

- Where in my life do I feel powerless or stuck?

- What are some small actions I can take today to support myself?

- When was the last time I blamed someone else for how I felt? What would it look like to reclaim my

power in that moment?

- What would I do if I believed I had more agency than I think I do right now?

Rescuer Role

- Where do I feel responsible for other people's feelings or outcomes?

- What would it feel like to support someone without fixing or saving them?

- What part of me needs soothing when I overextend for others?

- What boundaries do I need to hold so I can stay in integrity with myself?

Persecutor Role

- When do I criticize others as a way to feel safe or in control?

- What am I really feeling underneath my anger or judgment?

- How can I communicate truthfully without blaming?

- What does accountability look like without shame?

Wishing you endless healing & self trust.

“Who do you feel loves you?”

He paused, & then said smiling, without hesitation:

“My body loves me.”

& just like that, I had to take a deep breath. Because wow, what a truth.

We spend so much of our adult lives at war with our bodies. Judging them. Ignoring them. Pushing them past their limits. Trying to change them. Silence them. Telling them they’re not good enough, not beautiful enough, not strong enough, not enough…even though they’ve carried us through so much.

But here is this tiny human, still so connected to himself, so untouched by shame or conditioning, speaking something sacred:

“My body loves me.”

What if that’s the foundation?

Not achievement.

Not perfection.

Not people pleasing.

Not trying to be loved by others.

But this: a body that loves you.

We come into this world knowing it.

But somewhere along the way, we forget.

We learn to abandon our bodies to feel accepted.

We override pain, gut feelings, inner no’s.

We believe love is something earned or negotiated.

We ignore the wisdom of the body in favor of logic, hustle, or survival.

But your body—she never left you.

She’s still here.

She still loves you.

She’s been whispering all along: “I’m on your side. I’m trying to keep you safe.”

Our children are mirrors.

My son didn’t read that in a book.

He didn’t hear it in a meditation.

He remembered what we’ve all known deep down: that our bodies are not obstacles or problems to be fixed. They are homes. Companions. Lovers. Guides.

& when we slow down enough to listen, we might hear them say it.

Today, I invite you to try this:

Place your hand on your heart or belly and ask,

“Body, do you love me?”

Listen for the answer. It may come as warmth. A tear. A release. A memory. A breath. It may surprise you.

& maybe, just maybe, the part of you that once knew this, at five years old, or before, will stir again.

Because your body never stopped loving you.

Maybe it’s just time you love her back.

I’ve had to sit with this truth lately:

Sometimes spirituality & wellness are used as a mask.

Not for healing, but for harm.

Not for depth, but for denial.

& one of the ways I see this happen most painfully?

When victims of abuse are blamed, in the name of “spiritual growth.”

Let’s talk about it.

“You Manifested This” – Wait, What?

In countless spiritual spaces, there’s this idea that we “manifest everything into our lives”—even the most horrific & violent things. I’ve heard people tell abuse survivors things like:

“You have chosen this experience on a soul level.”

“This is your karma.”

“You attracted this relationship bc of your unhealed beliefs.”

“What was your vibration at the time?”

Let’s pause for a minute. That’s not insight. That’s violence dressed up as spiritual wisdom. & of course, on so many levels, we do create our own lives. We make choices, we carry energy, we carry subconscious beliefs that shape how we show up & navigate the world.

& yet, when someone has been hurt, violated, betrayed—especially by someone they trusted—the last thing they need is to be told it’s their fault in a more “enlightened” tone.

It doesn’t matter how holistic or spiritual or well-meaning it sounds.

It’s still blaming the victim. & it’s still wrong.

Spiritual But Not Grounded

& let’s be real, some people use spirituality to float above responsibility. To avoid accountability. To excuse abusive behaviour because they were “drawing a boundary” or “channeling something bigger.”

But true healing doesn’t mean avoiding hard conversations.

It means learning how to show up with integrity & intention.

It means knowing that hurting someone—even unintentionally—requires repair.

It means remaining grounded in both the mystical & the messy of real life. Real life, yes, real life.

Real life grounding isn’t as sexy as third-eye activations & telling victims they manifested their own traumas. But without grounding we lose touch. We start chasing avoidance & call it healing, when really we’re just running from ourselves.

The goal isn’t to escape life—it’s to anchor our spiritual practices in our actual lives. In our bodies. In our relationships. In our responsibilities.

That’s what integration looks like.

There’s a quiet hum that vibrates through modern life—a whisper that tells us we don’t have enough. Not enough time, not enough money, not enough love, not enough worth. This is the drumbeat of scarcity, and it’s been carefully composed, orchestrated, and weaponized over centuries to keep us small, afraid, & disconnected from our inherent power.

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Enter colonialism—an ideology rooted in conquest, hierarchy, & control. To justify the violent & brutal takeover of land, bodies, & resources, colonizers had to create a narrative that would keep people compliant & afraid. So they introduced scarcity.

They told us there wasn’t enough land, so it had to be taken.

They said there wasn’t enough power, so it had to be hoarded.

They warned there wasn’t enough love from God, so you had to earn it.

They threatened there wasn’t enough safety, so you had to obey.

Scarcity keeps us hustling instead of healing. It keeps us competing instead of connecting. It keeps us surviving instead of thriving

Abundance is our birthright. Understand that nature provides, that community supports, that Spirit sustains. The Earth is our generous Mother, not a resource to be extracted, exploited, or owned. There is only one Truth- we are already whole, already worthy, already connected to a limitless Source. When we awaken—when we remember who we are & where we come from—we begin to see through the illusion. We begin to live in alignment with abundance consciousness, not as a capitalist buzzword, but as a sacred truth.

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This is why feminism, despite its ugly rep these days, is crucial not as a theory, but as a daily practice: in how we raise our daughters, how we speak to our daughters, and in how we reflect on our own conditioning. The most powerful and easy way to teach our daughters to take up space is modelling. How do we model taking up space? Speaking up, using our voice, is the key element. As women, our throat chakra has been closed off by endless subliminal messaging- ‘too emotional’, ‘too opinionated’, just ‘too much’. Healing our throat chakra is an act of reclamation. It is remembering- my voice matters. My truth is sacred. My Self deserves space. Your voice is medicine. Use it to liberate.

Healing the Throat Chakra:

• Speak your truth even if your voice shakes.

• Sing, hum, & chant to release tension.

• Write it out. Journaling is a powerful practice when you are in freeze mode & speaking feels too heavy.

• Practice deep listening- throat chakra is about receiving too.

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The Internal Family Systems (IFS) Model is a therapeutic approach developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz that focuses on understanding and working with the different parts or subpersonalities within an individual's internal system.

In IFS, parts refer to the various subpersonalities or aspects of ourselves that emerge in response to life experiences, often with the intention of protecting us from emotional pain or vulnerability. Parts show symptoms and patterns of the activities of young, stressed-out parts that are often frozen in time during earlier traumas and believe that you are still quite young and powerless.

The IFS Model emphasizes the importance of cultivating a relationship with these parts, as well as with the core Self. According to IFS, each person has a core Self that is the 8C's: compassion, curiosity, clarity, creativity, calm, confidence, courage, and connectedness. The Self acts as a wise and compassionate leader within the internal system, separate from each part. The Self is neither created nor cultivated and cannot be destroyed but is, rather, intrinsic and present by your existence. The goal is to create internal harmony and healing by accessing and understanding the needs, concerns, and intentions of each part. By developing a compassionate and non-judgmental stance towards our parts, we can establish trust and create space for healing and transformation. There are no “bad” parts.

IFS uses various techniques to work with parts, including guided imagery, dialogue, and active imagination. Through these methods, individuals can engage in a dialogue with their parts, allowing them to express their feelings, needs, and concerns. This process facilitates a deeper understanding of the protective roles of parts and helps identify the underlying emotions and beliefs held by exiles.

The ultimate aim of IFS is to unburden the exiles, transform the protective roles of parts, and foster self-leadership by strengthening the connection and integration with the core Self. This process allows individuals to access their inherent qualities of compassion, wisdom, and self-acceptance, leading to greater healing, growth, and self-discovery. on.

The IFS Model has been applied in various therapeutic settings, including individual therapy, couples therapy, and group therapy. It has shown effectiveness in treating a wide range of issues, including trauma, anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties, and personal growth. IFS operates from the radically different assumption that each part—no matter how demonic seeming—has a secret, painful history to share of how it was forced into its role and came to carry burdens it doesn’t like that continue to drive it.

As the summer begins to wane and the warmth of autumn approaches, the zodiac enters a phase dominated by the meticulous and analytical energy of the Virgo season. Running from August 23rd to September 22nd, this period holds significance for those born under the sign of Virgo, as well as for individuals of all other zodiac signs. Symbolized by the Virgin, Virgo is associated with practicality, attention to detail, and a deep desire for order and perfection. Let's delve into the essence of Virgo season and explore its impacts on our lives.

Virgos are known for their methodical approach and their sharp intellect. They possess a keen eye for detail and are often recognized for their exceptional organizational skills. Ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication and intellect, Virgos are natural problem solvers and possess a strong desire for knowledge. Their analytical nature allows them to see the world through a critical lens, often identifying areas for improvement and growth.

During Virgo season, these qualities become more pronounced, influencing not only those born under the sign but also individuals of other signs who find themselves affected by the prevailing energy. It is a time when attention to detail, practicality, and efficiency take center stage, encouraging us to evaluate and refine various aspects of our lives.

Embracing Organization and Practicality

Virgo season inspires us to bring order into our lives. It nudges us to examine our routines, identify inefficiencies, and make practical adjustments. This can manifest in various areas, such as our workspaces, daily schedules, and even our relationships. It is a favorable time for decluttering physical spaces, streamlining processes, and implementing systems that promote efficiency and productivity.

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Under the influence of Virgo season, we may find ourselves drawn to tasks that demand precision and meticulousness. It becomes easier to tackle projects that require attention to detail, problem-solving skills, and a methodical approach. This is an ideal time to focus on work-related tasks, academic pursuits, or any projects that demand analytical thinking.

Self-Reflection and Personal Growth

Virgo season also encourages introspection and self-reflection. The analytical and critical nature of Virgo helps us evaluate our own behaviors, habits, and patterns. It presents an opportunity to identify areas in our lives that require adjustment or improvement.

This season invites us to examine our personal goals, aspirations, and ambitions. It urges us to refine our long-term plans, set achievable objectives, and map out practical steps to reach them. Virgo's influence encourages us to embrace discipline, self-improvement, and a commitment to personal growth.

Furthermore, Virgo season emphasizes the importance of self-care and well-being. It reminds us to prioritize our physical and mental health, encouraging us to establish healthy routines and engage in activities that promote overall wellness. This may include exercise, balanced nutrition, mindfulness practices, and seeking knowledge on topics related to self-improvement and personal development.

Nurturing Relationships and Service to Others

Virgo's compassionate and nurturing nature is heightened during Virgo season. The desire to serve and support others becomes more pronounced. It is a time when acts of kindness and service take on added significance.

During this season, we may find ourselves drawn to volunteer work, supporting charitable causes, or helping friends and loved ones in need. Virgo's energy encourages us to be attentive.

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If we have not looked at our own parenting philosophy, we won’t be able to separate the good from the bad, we won’t be able to challenge with conviction the way it always has been, or to reject such invalid promises as if it was good enough for me it’s good enough for my children.

Just because it works doesn’t make it good. It must work and leave the child and my own dignity intact.

Kids are worth it because they are children and for no other reason. They have dignity and worth simply because they are. They don’t need to prove their value as human beings, they don’t have to prove their worthiness to us, nor do they have to earn our affection. Our love for them cannot be conditional, although our likes and dislikes can be.

Our love for them does have to be something they count on, something they know will always be there even when they are in trouble. Especially when they are in trouble.

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If we want to raise children who have a strong sense of inner discipline, who don’t act merely to please someone or to avoid punishment but will behave in responsible and compassionate way towards themselves and others because it is the right thing to do, then we must abandon tried and true parenting tools of the past and reject some of the more recent alternatives. Too often children are treated as the property of adults, to be abused by those bigger than themselves. Under the guise of discipline, physical and emotional violence towards children is legitimized and sanctioned.

The pain and suffering experienced by children who have been physically punished resonates through time, first during the seemingly endless days and nights of childhood and adolescence, and later through the lives we lead us adults. The feeling is generated by the pain caused by adults assaults against children are mostly repressed, forgotten or denied, but they never actually disappear. Everything remains recorded in our innermost being, and the effects of punishment permeate our lives, our thoughts, and our daily world.

When children hear constant criticism and put downs, they begin to see themselves as not good enough or just plain bad. I believe that for the first time in our history we have the tools necessary to break the cycle of dysfunction, abuse, and neglect.

Powerful teachers and parents do not attempt to control their children with bribes, threats, punishments, or awards, all of which can backfire. In fact, they don’t attempt to control their children at all. Often the result of control is either that the kids become submissive, obedient, and compliant, or they go the opposite extreme and rebel against any and all authority.

Journal Prompt:

Reflect on where in your parenting journey you have found yourself trying to change your child to your ideal version of them.

Morning rituals. Morning routines. “The 5am Club”. How we start our mornings is a determinant for our entire life, according to every social media influencer & coach who just happens to know what’s best for you. Yet it seems that morning rituals require more energy than they give back. Wake up at 5am, take a cold plunge into an ice bath, tap your face, meditate, breath work, yoga, journaling, organic, fair trade green tea & a vegan raw breakfast.

Well, fuck me.

Today, I am grateful for the reminders of what a “morning ritual” is truly about… gratitude that I have once again awakened to a new day. & that day doesn’t have to be grand, it doesn’t have to have declarations of accomplishments through a to do list, it doesn’t have to take up too much time or energy; it is about reclaiming the joy of the simple things… feeling loved & cherished, surrounded by the purest love & bliss & protection. Practicing my faith in the every day smallest of ways. Gladness for what is & isn’t. Showing up authentically in all aspects of Being.

The only morning ritual that genuinely transforms my day is giving myself a kind start.

What are some of the ways you choose to show kindness to yourself to start a new day?

You - as you are in this moment are two things. you & You. Person you, and Inner Being / Source (You). Physical form you, and Godforce You.

There is no separation. These are segments of the Divine. Duality, forever connected & expressing as One.

Little you, person you, wonderful you, dancing around on this Earth is JUST as divine and sacred as Source You.

We embody both sides of Creation. Both the beautiful, ever-changing world of form & the world of vibration - pure, positive Godforce spaciousness, where all things come from.

When you Know yourself as (and feel into) the Godfce, Source, pure positive energy field, rich with all the vibrational offerings you put there - and at the SAME time, embrace & honor the physical, tangible, touchable world of form - you create joyously & consciously

You create freely, you create naturally. With ease and flow and grace. You create from the fullness & the divinity of Source. You create on a level so vast & so divine I can hardly put it into words.

You ARE this incredible, worlds-shaping Source energy. Source who eagerly chose to embody human form, so that you would go out - sift, sort through contrast, intentionally tune into your emotional guidance system, and create new, beautiful form.

It is for the beauty of expansion, the thrill of Creation. It is for the excitement of the journey. Desire received, desire embraced! Desire nurtured, tended to, focused upon in the most satisfying ways. All the while becoming more & more “real” to you. It was ALWAYS yours & real! The fun is in the nurturing, the revealing! Bit by bit, syncronicity by synchronicity, you get to come into alignment with Source again & again & again & again!

How beautiful is THAT! How divine are YOU? Do you realize how sacred you really are? Do you know that desire is the lifeblood that flows through you every second of every day?

Would you have even seen this, felt called to read this, or feel the way you do right now - if this were not the ultimate Truth of You?

When desire calls to you today, listen. Listen deeply. Listen and let the inspiration flow. Listen and embrace your passion, listen and follow your highest joys. Tune into that intuition. Source is calling to you all the time. Be willing to let that Divinity speak through you.

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I have officially completed 35 trips around the sun through this vessel of tissue I call a body. The six month period leading up to this milestone has been a ride of chaos and confusion, so naturally I turned to astrology for some answers. This Saturn transit was a gruelling, alienating, and a heartbreakingly beautiful reclamation.

A reclamation of my freedom, my agency, my authority, my yes and my very solid no, my resources, my peace, my spiritual devotion, my commitment to Self & evolution.

What this period of my life has been about is shinning light to where I was looking for power outside mySelf. Where I still needed an external authority to tell me what to do so I could feel the familiar yet revolting pleasure of limitation imposed on me. Where I was still waiting for someone else to confirm that I was on the right path. Where I still sought permission to pursue the life I wanted because I wasn’t embodying my own self-conviction.

Saturn made me ask myself: how could I ever have what I want if I’m investing all my energy resisting what I don’t want?

This period felt quite heavy at times—weighed down by the gravity of disappointment. Heavy with my resistance to fully accepting my circumstances as they were without wanting or needing them to be different.

I can now finally see where I wasn’t taking responsibility for creating my reality, but was still expecting it to look different than it did.

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My Saturn return helped me put my stories of inadequacy and despair to bed.

It helped me see that there was nothing in the way of my fulfillment besides my own resistance to it. That the foundation of my future rests in what I’m showing up to build now.

Saturn taught me that my own reluctance to seeing the gift in adversity beyond the “healing” aspect of it kept me from thoroughly enjoying the catharsis only present in pain. I came to learn that hardship is only hard when we choose the path of rigidity and constriction instead of flow and expansion

I now believe that everything happens for me as long as I choose to see it that way.

Saturn helped me see where I was still attached to needing external validation for my existence. Saturn pointed out where I still sought recognition from others to qualify my belonging, and to believe I actually had something valuable to offer.

Saturn showed me that in the absence of others reflecting my worth, I struggled to see it myself.

Saturn kept driving home this point that it was no one else’s job to make me feel fulfilled and well-adjusted to this world but mine. And since I could so *obviously* see the ways my dissatisfaction was a consequence of social conditioning, it was also my responsibility to opt out of it.

Saturn reinforced my agency where I had been neglecting it.

I learned that I didn’t need to make someone or something else “bad” or “wrong”. I can exercise my power without creating a villain to blame my narrative on.

Saturn made me question the belief that things simply happened “to” me. I began to see the ways I am complicit (consciously or unconsciously) in every single experience I have.

Above all, I learned that taking responsibility for everything I experience is not the same as being at fault for it.

Journal Prompt:

Where in my life do I give my power away by being a victim?

Today, I want to swing through with a brief reminder that growth requires willingness & consent. In other words, you can’t force, manipulate or trick other people into changing.

You can try to, but it’s highly unlikely to accomplish what you’re genuinely yearning for. Instead, wasting your energy on “changing someone” else will lead to resentment in one of two ways:

1. You resent them for not meeting your expectations to change.

2. They will resent you for trying to change them.

Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Because what we are really saying in our attempts to “change” another is that we have unmet needs and we feel disempowered. Underneath it all, are our personal needs which we’re trying to meet by forcing them to change. This is usually some combination of love, safety, belonging, and dignity

Not only that, but our desire to change others is also a map showing us the path to meet our needs and reconnect to empowerment.

These questions can help you find your way:

1. WHY do you want to change them? What are you hoping changing them will change for you? (hint: the answer to this question highlights your needs).

2. Let’s say you knew for a FACT that this person would never change. How would you go about meeting your own needs instead? (hint: the answer to this question is your path to empowerment).

Generally, when we get stuck trying to change others into people who can meet our needs in the present, it’s because we’re unconsciously replaying childhood dynamics with adults who struggled or refused to meet our core needs for love, safety, and belonging in the past. As children, we relied on those adults for our survival. We had no choice but to try and change them into people who could care for us, or change ourSelves into people we felt could be loved. But that dynamic no longer serves a role in our lives as wholesome, healing adults.

So, next time you catch yourself trying to change someone else, I invite you to pause and get curious…

• What needs are you trying to meet?

• Where might you be making another person the condition to meeting those needs?

• What if the possibilities for meeting those needs were actually limitless?

One of the biggest ways we give away our power is by thinking the meeting of our needs is conditional upon a single person, situation, or thing going our way. Unless you are very sick, injured, or disabled... that's rarely the case.

People wake up to their dysfunction when they feel safe, NOT when they feel forced.

We can influence others, but we can't control them. & that is comfort enough to turn it all inward instead.

In part one of my Codependency Is Not Love writings I briefly highlighted the ways in which alcoholics depend on alcohol to handle the overwhelming feelings of his or her disease, the codependent person and family depended on the alcoholic in a sick and similarly addictive way. In other words, the alcoholic and codependent share identical basic symptoms of the same disease - the addict with alcohol or drugs and the codependent with the addictive relationship. Now I know that these dynamics are created in dysfunctional, less than nurturing families. But what are the other ways you know if you are codependent?

Difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self esteem without external validation from the other person is a key sign of codependency. Emotionally and spiritually healthy people know that they are valuable and they matter even when they make a mistake, are confronted by an angry person, are cheated or lied to, or are rejected by a lover, friend, parent, child, or boss. Healthy individuals may feel other emotions, such as guilt, fear, anger, and pain in these circumstances, but the sense of self-esteem remains intact; whereas Codependents experience difficulty with self-esteem at one or both of extremes. At one end, self-esteem is low or nonexistent: you think that you are worth less than others. At the opposite end is arrogance and grandiosity, narcissism: you think you are set apart and superior to other people. The second extreme behaviour is a result out of one of two home situations. In the first, a family system teaches its children to find fault with others. The children then learn to regard others as inferior. Such children may be criticized and shamed by the caregivers, but they can disconnect from Self enough to make up for the shame of being “less-than” by judging and criticizing others. This is not self esteem. The type of self esteem codependents often have is “outteresteem” where validation relies on external references, including how much money they make, who they know, their job, their car, their degree, etc. Feeling fulfilled by these as accomplishments is fine, but it is not self esteem. The problem is that the source of outteresteem is outside the self and vulnerable to changes beyond control.

Weak or non existent boundaries are a common core symptom also. Boundaries are an energetic “fence” meant to keep people from coming into our space and abusing us, to keep us from going to other peoples space and abusing them, and to give a sense of who we are. Codependents demonstrate the boundary systems that their parents had. People with no boundaries have no sense of being abused or of being abusive. Such people may have trouble saying no or protecting themselves. They allow others to take advantage of them physically, sexually, emotionally, or intellectually without clear knowledge that they have the right to say, “Stop that. I don’t want to” or “I am not responsible for your feelings, thoughts, or behaviour”. A codependent with no boundaries not only lacks protection but has no ability to recognize another person’s right to have boundaries and moves through the world unaware of their assaults on others or themselves.

Damaged or partial boundaries may allow one to set boundaries with everyone but authority figures, or his or her spouse, or his or her child. Or the person can usually set boundaries except when be or she is tired, sick, or scared. Also, people with damaged boundaries have only partial awareness that others have boundaries. With certain individuals or in certain circumstances they become offenders, stepping into someone else’s life and trying to control it or manipulate it. Damaged boundaries may cause a person to take responsibility for someone else’s feelings, thinking, or behavior, like when a wife feels shame or guilt because her husband insulted someone at a party.

The most important trait of codependency is difficulty owning or even knowing our own reality. This most significant and self destructive trait will be in the next part.

Codependency is a complex and often misunderstood dynamic. Because codependency originally was coined to describe the behavioural patterns observed in family members dealing with alcoholism, many people dismiss the possibility that codependency may be running the show of their relationships.

Additionally, many codependent dynamics are viewed as romantic and even noble, so normalizing their existence is culturally natural. Codependency prioritizes the survival of a dynamic over everything else, including each individual’s well being, leading to harmful habits such as sacrifice, unrealistic expectations, resentment, control and disappointment. In simple terms, codependency is addiction to relationships and people. The key identification of codependency is making your pain someone else’s fault, and above that- what is your motivation behind anything you’re doing? Are you doing something because you made a conscious choice to do it, or are you acting from guilt and obligation? Are you choosing to give or giving compulsively despite not genuinely wanting to? Are you hoping someone will like or love you if you do something for, or give something to, her or him? Do you feel lovable and likable, and have self-esteem? Or do you have to prove those things to other people and yourself through manipulating circumstances and behaviours? This addiction is amazingly difficult to see from the outside because its addicts wear a mask of adequacy, happiness and success designed to win the all-important approval. But these habits of powerful, seemingly pointless compulsive feelings are a self fulfilling prophecy of an endless cycle of personal failure and intensified experiences of shame, pain, fear, and repressed anger.

To my mother, hers, to hers and to hers; to all the mothers across this earth…

“The most important prayer,
the prayer that comes from the deepest wisdom, is
THANK YOU.”
-Sylvia Boorstein

Give up the idea that you should be anywhere else other than where you are now.

In old teachings, it was the idea that heaven is somewhere other than here and now. Stand in this awareness.

The question is : how can we stay in love with individuals that we may not be in agreement with?

It's not about agreement, it's about holding the frequency of the oneness of God WITHIN.

You are opening yourself up to be the flow of ENERGY. Old fundamentalism is believing that somewhere in the future you are going to heaven, Buddha land, getting the virgins. Through awareness, you'll no longer believe you should be somewhere else, or should be what you were expected to be at this time. God is awareness.

No, you aren't meant to be somewhere else!

Now you stand in alignment, and all that is not you begins to fall away. Again, all that is not begins to fall away.

The 'identity self' that is struggling to stay alive & fighting to stay small will come against the alignment of GOD within you. You will realize you are in a Self revolution & that is life!

FREEDOM.

You'll then discover the divine and perfect pattern that begins as your body, that will take over, and your life will change.

Sustain your BREATH & FEEL that all things are made new right now. Feel it before it manifests.

Not merely the emotion, yet the deeper connectivity!

* God is all that IS.

How we enter into payer is that we are GRATEFUL!

By whatever name we call the great void of infinite possibility, we are all the same, God is always God. Source is always source! We ground this through spiritual practice & intentionality. Our lives in God are eternal. So it is, so I AM, and so WE ARE.